pete tarslaw's 16 rules of novel writing

• rule 1: abandon truth.
• rule 2: write a popular book. do not waste energy making it a good book.
• rule 3: include nothing from [one’s] own life.
• rule 4: must include a murder.
• rule 5: must include a club, secrets / mysterious missions, shy characters, characters whose lives are changed suddenly, surprising love affairs, women who’ve given up on love but turn out to be beautiful.
• rule 6: evoke confusing sadness at the end.
• rule 7: prose should be lyrical.
• rule 8: novel must have scenes on highways, making driving seem poetic and magical.
• rule 9: at dull points include descriptions of delicious meals.
• rule 10: main character is miraculously liberated from a lousy job.
• rule 11: include scenes in as many reader-filled towns as possible.
• rule 12: give readers versions of themselves, infused with extra awesomeness.
• rule 13: target key demographics.
• rule 14: involve music.
• rule 15: must have obscure, exotic locations.
• rule 16: include plant names.