thomas hills evertt: the enormous baby

This prodigious child, an extraordinary instance of the sudden and rapid increase of the human body, was born on the 7th of February, 1779. Neither of the parents was remarkable for either size or stature.

At the age of nine months, his dimensions were taken by Mr. Sherwen, and compared with those of a lusty boy seven years old. Mr Sherwen was prevented by the vulgar prejudice entertained by the mother against weighing children. He could therefore only say that, when she exposed to view his legs, thighs, and broad back, it was impossible to be impressed with any other idea than that of seeing a young giant.

His extraordinary size tempted his parents to remove him to the metropolis, and to exhibit him to the public. He was well proportioned all over, and subsisted entirely on the breast. His countenance was comely, but had rather more expression than is usual at his age, and was exceedingly pleasing, from his being uncommonly good-tempered. He had very fine hair, pure skin, free from any blemish, was extremely lively, and had a bright clear eye. His head was rather smaller in proportion than his other parts.

adapted from: the book of wonderful characters (1869).

the other day, a friend and i decided it would be a hoot to watch leatherheads. boy were we wrong! at-any-rate, at some point during the snapless dialogue, i remarked that renée zellweger was probably the most periody thespian in modern cinema. once the actual sentiment of what i was saying registered with my companion, he immediately countered by throwing a cate blanchett in my face. and thus the seeds of this chart were sewn.

mean periods: ms zellweger—1923. ms knightley—1812. ms blanchett—1942.

notes: certain quasi-period pieces were omitted: star wars (ms knightley was in star wars?) and lord of the rings. also, both of ms blanchett’s elizabeth films (ca. 1570) and ms knightley’s arthur (ca. 460) have been left out. when an actress was in an epic movie that spanned multiple decades (ms blanchett in benjamin button), i selected the decade that best matched the actresses’ actual age during filming. as always, it is within your power to click this image and DOUBLE its girth.

counting sleep

sure, i’ve posted sheep terms before, but can you think of anything more specific than a numbering system for counting sheep? pre-industrial english shepherds can and have. there are many regional variations of this rhyme worthy of their own chaffinch-style map though i chose to represent the lincolnshire system because lincoln is my third favourite president and there is no such thing as a garfieldshire system for counting sheep*.

so the next time that you are falling asleep (or not falling asleep), instead of counting sheep by the boring old one…two..three method, why not impress your bedmate with your knowledge of the traditional yan…tan…tether rhyme?

*yet.

hyperbole is an understatment -or- what will metacritique say about this?

perhaps in your sixth grade production of all aboard the gastrointestinal tract, you earned high praise and many kudos in your school’s newspaper for your absorbing portrayal of a wincing ileocecal valve. but was that review as bombastic or as tumid as the following one (dated may 30, 1784) from an irish newspaper which describes a performance by sarah siddons (the most popular tragedienne of the 1700s):

On Saturday, Mrs. Siddons, about whom all the world had been talking, exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for the first time, at Smock-Alley Theatre, in the bewitching, melting, and all-tearful character of ” Isabella.”

She was nature itself! She was the most exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, primrose, tuberose, sweet-brier, furze-blossom, gilliflower, wallflower, cauliflower, auricula, and rosemary ! In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus. Where expectation was raised so high, it was thought she would be injured by her appearance; but it was the audience who were injured : several fainted before the curtain drew up! When she came to the scene of parting with her wedding-ring, ah ! what a sight was there ! the very fiddlers in the orchestra, albeit unused to the melting mood, blubbered like hungry children crying for their bread and butter; and when the bell rang for music between the acts, the tears ran from the bassoon-player’s eyes in such plentiful showers that they choked the finger-stops, and, making a spout of the instrument, poured in such torrents on the first fiddler’s book, that, not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of the band actually played in one flat. But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audience, and the noise of corks drawn from the smelling-bottles, prevented the mistake between flats and sharps being discovered.

One hundred and nine ladies fainted, forty-six went into fits, and ninety-five had strong hysterics ! The world will scarcely credit the truth when they are told that fourteen children, five old women, one hundred tailors, and six common-councilmen were actually drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes to increase the briny pond in the pit; the water was three feet deep; and the people were obliged to stand upon the benches, and were in that position up to their ankles in tears! An act of Parliament against her playing any more will certainly pass.

there comes a point in hyperbole, just as there comes a point in a hyperbola, when things start reversing themselves and your well-intended praise quickly plunges towards unrelenting contempt.

“manifest destiny,” by tom toles, from the new republic (2004).

the exciting adventures of john baskerville and mrs eaves.

inspiration