the osbick bird
aha! i knew that the drawing of the caladrius looked familiar. the above image is taken from 2 pages of edward gorey’s the osbick bird (1972). because the osbick bird was clearly a fictional animal invented by gorey, it is not eligible for admission to the bestiary—though petitions in favor of its admission will not automatically be shredded without first giving them a cursory readthrough.
for bestiary: a caladrius (a bird that can predict if a sick person is about to die)
according to legend, if the caladrius looks into the face of a sick man, he will make a full recovery. if the caladrius looks away, he will die soon thereafter (the caladrius is like punxsutawney phil in this regard but with higher stakes).
the caladrius also possesses the ability to absorb the sickness and cast it into the sun (using the same technique that superman does with nuclear warheads in superman iv: the quest for peace).
adapted for the blogging medium from wikipædia (a site like facebook.com but dealing with the branches of knowledge instead of farmville and which of your friends did what to whom).
rats!
this is a real book? why am i only learning of it now?! consider the following anecdote as a cautionary tale for the next time that you find yourself crawling under your floorboards with a your pet ferret hunting a bitch rat by candlelight:
I remember a private house where I was engaged catching rats under a floor with ferrets. I went as far as possible on my belly under the floor with two candles in my hands, and I saw the ferret kill a large bitch rat, about six yards from me against a wall, where neither the dog nor myself could get at it.
I finished the job and made out my bill for my services, but in about two or three weeks after they again sent for me, declaring they could not stay in the sitting-room on account of the smell that arose from beneath the flooring boards. They had in consequence to send for a joiner; and as I knew the exact spot where the rat was killed I ordered him to take up the floor boards just where the dead rat lay, and the stench that arose from the decomposed rodent was bad in the extreme. I disinfected the place, and I was never sent for again.
from full revelations of a professional rat-catcher by ike matthews (1898).
![arachnivores unite!
Even individuals amongst the more polished nations of Europe are recorded as having a similar taste [in spiders]; so that if you could rise above vulgar prejudices, you would in all probability find them a most delicate morsel. …Reaumur tells us of a young lady, who, when she walked in her grounds, never saw a spider that she did not take and [pop into her mouth] upon the spot. Another female, the celebrated Anna Maria Schurman, used to eat them like nuts, which she affirmed they much resembled in taste, excusing her propensity by saying that she was born under the sign Scorpio.If you wish for the authority of the learned: Lalande, the celebrated French astronomer, was equally fond of these delicacies, according to Latreille. And if, not content with eating spiders seriatim, you should feel desirous of eating them by handfuls. You may shelter yourself under the authority of the German immortalized by Rosel, who used to spread them upon bread like butter, observing that he found them very useful.These edible spiders, and such like, are all sufficiently disgusting, but we feel our nausea quite turned into horror when we read in Humboldt, that he has seen the Indian children drag out of the earth centipedes 18 inches long, and more than half an inch broad, and devour them.
i was born under the sign of scorpio AND i am absolutely starving right now. if only this succulent delicacy was still in my kitchen…
from the curiosities of food by peter lund simmonds (1859).](http://21.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_krm24wLGDR1qzrip0o1_r1_400.jpg)
arachnivores unite!
Even individuals amongst the more polished nations of Europe are recorded as having a similar taste [in spiders]; so that if you could rise above vulgar prejudices, you would in all probability find them a most delicate morsel. …Reaumur tells us of a young lady, who, when she walked in her grounds, never saw a spider that she did not take and [pop into her mouth] upon the spot. Another female, the celebrated Anna Maria Schurman, used to eat them like nuts, which she affirmed they much resembled in taste, excusing her propensity by saying that she was born under the sign Scorpio.
If you wish for the authority of the learned: Lalande, the celebrated French astronomer, was equally fond of these delicacies, according to Latreille. And if, not content with eating spiders seriatim, you should feel desirous of eating them by handfuls. You may shelter yourself under the authority of the German immortalized by Rosel, who used to spread them upon bread like butter, observing that he found them very useful.
These edible spiders, and such like, are all sufficiently disgusting, but we feel our nausea quite turned into horror when we read in Humboldt, that he has seen the Indian children drag out of the earth centipedes 18 inches long, and more than half an inch broad, and devour them.
i was born under the sign of scorpio AND i am absolutely starving right now. if only this succulent delicacy was still in my kitchen…
from the curiosities of food by peter lund simmonds (1859).
the propertees that are best in an hors are a bygh rowmpe, a longh stote and smale stonys in his qodd.
ie. the best horse is one with a big butt, a long wiener, and teency nuts.
from a late fifteenth century manuscript in the british museum.
for bestiary: the surinam toad, an ugly frog that lays its eggs inside of itself
if you dare click play, eat some saltines® and get a bucket ready because watching the surinam toad give birth to toadlings will most likely cause uncontrollable retching. grosser still is how the eggs form like festering pimples on the lady-toad’s back. ahh… the miracle of life!
name an animal whose body is not symmetric.
after consulting with elaine benes, you can find a very unsymmetrical animal here.
pork chops & porcelain
both are ultimately from the latin porcus meaning pig. porcelain chinaware was so named because of its resemblance to the cowrie “porcella” shell. the porcella shell was so named because of its apparent resemblance to she-pig pudenda.
note: while i HAVE verified the etymology, i have NOT verified the visual similarity.
further note: yet.
it is an oft-cited tradition among members of the harvard universe that tenured professors at that college are allowed the privilege of letting their cows graze in harvard yard. no modern day professor has ever asserted this esoteric right to pasture…until now.
on september 10 at 1630, harvey cox, the hollis professor of divinity (wearing full academic regalia) will lead a “scottish highland long-haired cow, with fetching bangs, or a jersey, with soulful eyes” into harvard yard for the first time in over 200 years. a minister will then offer an invocation to assembled faculty members, students, friends, cox, the cow, and yours truly. the company will adjourn to the divinity school for refreshments and to listen to a 17-piece big band where cox plays tenor sax and the cows (presumably) play the cow bells.
more here. less here. photo credit.
yesterday, i relayed a scintillating tidbit to you about how i became a hapless voyeur of some freaky-deeky raccoon sex. because of this i got several emails (brimming with the most puerile and base puns that one could imagine). but then i received this treasure (the capital letters are not mine):
Dear Raynor,
[blah blah blah]… as you are a self-proclaimed authority on animals, nomenclature, and sex, I was wondering if you could tell me if there are separate terms for the male and female sex acts (ie. the name for what the male does to the female and the name for what the female does to the male).
From,
[Anonymous Pervert #3]
to which i shall publicly reply:
dear anonymous pervert #3 (as well as numbers 1 and 2),
there’s actually much debate about this but a johns hopkins doctor has proposed the terms quim and swive. he writes:
In neither the standard English vocabulary of literature and science, nor the vernacular vocabulary of uncensored speech, are there terms by which to distinguish what the woman does to the man, in the procreative act, from what the man does to the woman. Terminologically, each is obliged to do the same thing to the other, whether it be poetically making love, politely copulating, metaphorically balling or screwing, colloquially fucking, or evasively getting some. None of this terminology is, however, truly androgynous. It all carries, in some degree, the implication that the male is the active partner who does something to the inactive, receptive female. He takes, and she gives—or at least passively acquiesces.
In the terminology of the barnyard and animal breeding, the same implication of the male as the active agent also applies. Terminologically, the bull services the cow, not the other way around. A detailed inventory of animal mating behavior, however, reveals a high degree of reciprocity. Thus, whereas the male mounts the female, it is equally true that she crouches or lordoses and presents to the male. In many species, moreover, it is the female that invites the male.Quim’s …usage as a vernacular term for the female pudenda can be traced from the 17th to the 20th century, where it has survived in vernacular verse and humor. In its standard usage as a verb, it would mean, as here proposed, to take the penis into the vagina and perform grasping, sliding, and rotating movements on it of varying rhythm, speed and intensity. As a noun, a quim would be the name of the aforesaid practice.
Swive, meaning to copulate with a woman… was in standard English usage as far back as the 14th century. By the early 17th century, its status had changed to that of a vulgarism. Since the early 19th century, it has survived as a literary archaism, in some dialects, and occasionally in vernacular verse and humor. In its standard usage as a verb it would mean, as here proposed, to put the penis into the vagina and perform sliding movements of varying depth, direction, rhythm, speed, and intensity.
the author notes that these terms are not official and should be ” endorsed by an international committee on sexological nomenclature.” should such a preposterous committee actually exist, consider this my nomination to it.
from: the journal of sex research vol. 18, No. 2 (1982).
for bestiary: the fastitocalon (a turtle-whale the size of a small island).
a 4th century description in the physiologus explains this beguiling leviathan like this:
“There is a monster in the sea which in Greek is called aspidochelone, in Latin “asp-turtle”; it is a great whale, that has what appear to be beaches on its hide, like those from the sea-shore. This creature raises its back above the waves of the sea, so that sailors believe that it is just an island, so that when they see it, it appears to them to be a sandy beach such as is common along the sea-shore. Believing it to be an island, they beach their ship alongside it, and disembarking, they plant stakes and tie up the ships. Then, in order to cook a meal after this work, they make fires on the sand as if on land. But when the monster feels the heat of these fires, it immediately submerges into the water, and pulls the ship into the depths of the sea.
unrelated: is not the colour palette used by this illumination drop-dead delightful? i am going to kuler this so hard, so extra hard.
image credit: from ms. ludwig xv 3, by an unknown franco-flemish illuminator (13th century).
![on eating a man[atee]
(emphasis mine)
Manatees… are, according to my friend, Chief Justice Temple, frequently caught and brought to the market of Belize, where they are snapped up with the greatest avidity.
The flesh of the manatus is white and delicate, and tastes like young pork eaten fresh or salted, while the fat forms excellent lard. The cured flesh keeps long without corruption, and it will continue good several weeks, even in the hot climate of which it is a native, when other meat would not resist putrefaction for as many days…The fat, which lies between the entrails and skin has a pleasant smell, and tastes like the oil of sweet almonds. It makes an admirable substitute for butter, and does not turn rancid in the sun. The fat of the tail is of a firmer consistence, and when boiled is more delicate than the other fat.
I do not, myself, fancy the flesh of this brute, for it is so inhumanly human—it reminds one so much of a mermaid, or of one of the fifty daughters of Nereus, that to eat it seems to me to be an approximation to cannibalism. It appears horrible to chew and swallow the flesh of an animal which holds its young to its breast, which is formed exactly like that of a woman, with paws resembling human hands.
from the curiosities of food by peter lund simmonds (1859).](http://18.media.tumblr.com/3FZnoU8PUqf9pchhC7jZ0It9o1_500.jpg)
on eating a man[atee]
(emphasis mine)
Manatees… are, according to my friend, Chief Justice Temple, frequently caught and brought to the market of Belize, where they are snapped up with the greatest avidity.
The flesh of the manatus is white and delicate, and tastes like young pork eaten fresh or salted, while the fat forms excellent lard. The cured flesh keeps long without corruption, and it will continue good several weeks, even in the hot climate of which it is a native, when other meat would not resist putrefaction for as many days…The fat, which lies between the entrails and skin has a pleasant smell, and tastes like the oil of sweet almonds. It makes an admirable substitute for butter, and does not turn rancid in the sun. The fat of the tail is of a firmer consistence, and when boiled is more delicate than the other fat.
I do not, myself, fancy the flesh of this brute, for it is so inhumanly human—it reminds one so much of a mermaid, or of one of the fifty daughters of Nereus, that to eat it seems to me to be an approximation to cannibalism. It appears horrible to chew and swallow the flesh of an animal which holds its young to its breast, which is formed exactly like that of a woman, with paws resembling human hands.
from the curiosities of food by peter lund simmonds (1859).
a very crappy monster
perhaps there is no monster more foul than the bonnacon which was described by pliny as a beast with a head like a bull and mane of a horse. he goes on to say how when the bonnacon is pursued, it expels its dung which can eject as far as three furlongs (over a half kilometer), and scorches anything it touches. (pliny does not mention anything about the bonnacon’s knackish grin as seen in the above illustration.)
the picture above is from the bestiary of anne walsh (1633). you can find another (highly comical) depiciton of the monster in the aberdeen bestiary which dates to the 1500’s.
UPDATE: there is also this (ultra-modern) version by leif goldberg. thank you craig!
counting sleep
sure, i’ve posted sheep terms before, but can you think of anything more specific than a numbering system for counting sheep? pre-industrial english shepherds can and have. there are many regional variations of this rhyme worthy of their own chaffinch-style map though i chose to represent the lincolnshire system because lincoln is my third favourite president and there is no such thing as a garfieldshire system for counting sheep*.
so the next time that you are falling asleep (or not falling asleep), instead of counting sheep by the boring old one…two..three method, why not impress your bedmate with your knowledge of the traditional yan…tan…tether rhyme?
*yet.
