gratuitous portrait of my grandparents, bermuda 1953

i could post old pictures of my old relatives 24/7/52.177457. but then, the ragbag would be reduced to little more than a ganan scrapbook. therefore, i resolved long ago to abstain from this activity the way that teenagers abstain from sexual contact.

but unlike the modern chaste teenager, i knew that i would eventually succumb to my vice. in the end, all it took was an email attachment from a relation of mine who just purchased a film scanner. my only hope is that there is some universal appeal to be found in this personal portrait of my grandfolks—be it the period eyewear, the brilliant kodachrome colouring, their enigmatic expressions, the 1950s bermudaness, my grandfather’s latin g-man vibe, or my realisation that my parent’s parents were probably hipper than i will ever be—that will allow you to allow me this momentary transgression.

thank you. i shall post a joke about flatulence forthwith.

gratuitous portrait of my great great grandmother as a young girl

you may notice that her twin is clutching a bible and perhaps it will delight you to learn that that bible is currently one of the most prized holdings of the ganan library. as a wee raynorling, i spilled spaghetti sauce (which my grandparents call “red gravy”) on some boring passage from judges and everyone went apeshit. if only the cherubim in this picture knew what was in store for their bible.

thomas hills evertt: the enormous baby

This prodigious child, an extraordinary instance of the sudden and rapid increase of the human body, was born on the 7th of February, 1779. Neither of the parents was remarkable for either size or stature.

At the age of nine months, his dimensions were taken by Mr. Sherwen, and compared with those of a lusty boy seven years old. Mr Sherwen was prevented by the vulgar prejudice entertained by the mother against weighing children. He could therefore only say that, when she exposed to view his legs, thighs, and broad back, it was impossible to be impressed with any other idea than that of seeing a young giant.

His extraordinary size tempted his parents to remove him to the metropolis, and to exhibit him to the public. He was well proportioned all over, and subsisted entirely on the breast. His countenance was comely, but had rather more expression than is usual at his age, and was exceedingly pleasing, from his being uncommonly good-tempered. He had very fine hair, pure skin, free from any blemish, was extremely lively, and had a bright clear eye. His head was rather smaller in proportion than his other parts.

adapted from: the book of wonderful characters (1869).

the ganans on holiday

what makes this cheesy old-timey photograph of the ganans on holiday infinitely more amusing (to me at anyrate) is the colony of mold that has been inhabiting it since my parents transferred it to a box in their basement—thus adding to its authenticity.

question: can mold survive a scanner flash or have i just now committed a grievous atrocity?

here is a picture of me doing what mills does—on a wednesday.

well sirs, i don’t want to make a point of posting gratuitous pictures of myself, BUT because of the recent hoopla, i feel like i should respond to the rumours once and for all so…

here is a picture that i took of myself early this morning. also pictured is “baronessa alessandra,” my bitching pontiac. though my face does not reveal my excitement, i am thrilled beyond measure to have finished bleaching my entire wardrobe so as to match my dermis.

if we are not our faces, perhaps we are a magnetic resonance image of our brains. I’ll leave it to the solipsists and ñerds to debate. meanwhile, here is a picture of my brain taken while i was smiling on a friday.

as my hero, george w. bush said while wearing the uniform of a fighter pilot and strutting across the deck of the uss abraham lincoln supercarrier, “mission accomplished.”

here is a picture of the furtwängler glacier (background) and a ninja (foreground).

here is a photo that i just took. it’s called, “raynor’s big day in the city.”