minced oaths

make certain that there is NO liquid in your mouth when reading the last bullet or you will be doing a spit take worthy of groucho marx »

  • The TV broadcast edit of Snakes on a Plane has Samuel L. Jackson saying “I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane”, emending two occurrences of motherfucking.
  • In the film The Big Lebowski, John Goodman’s character repeatedly yells, “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass” while trashing a car. It was censored on television as “This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.”
September 30, 2009
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humor literary device movies wordplay

my world of warcraft nom de guerre

kennings have been on m’mind ALL WEEK. here is a tasty little trivia-nugget brimming with kick-ass eths and thorns regarding recursive kennings »

The longest kenning found in skaldic poetry occurs in Hafgerðingadrápa by Þórður Sjáreksson and reads nausta blakks hlé-mána gífrs drífu gim-slöngvir “fire-brandisher of blizzard of ogress of protection-moon of steed of boat-shed”, which simply means “warrior”.

August 26, 2009
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ancient esoterica literary device trivia wordplay

while we are on the topic of autological words...

here is one of my favourites (it also has great mouthfeel).

elelendish - of another land, foreign. from old english eilland (foreign land)

look at the first five letters of elelendish and tell me truthfully that the word does not describe itself. but beware of elelendish’s autological paradox: the more you use it, the less autological it becomes.

August 24, 2009
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words literary device wordplay

the paradox of the present

you are now the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be.

(this is my attempt at coining an epigram, though i’m sure that some jerkwad poet probably said something similar 400 years ago when he was trying to seduce an earl’s chambermaid (or whatever)).

July 31, 2009
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wordplay literary device

to all aspiring porn bloggers:

  • “Lusty” means “brimming with vigor and good health” or “enthusiastic.” Don’t confuse it with “lustful,” which means “filled with sexual desire.”
  • “Sensual” usually relates to physical desires and experiences, and often means “sexy.” “Sensuous” is more often used for esthetic pleasures, like “sensuous music.”
  • Crevices are by definition tiny. A huge crack in a glacier is given the French spelling: crevasse.
from common errors in english usage (web edition) by paul brains.

July 30, 2009
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house style language literary device popular sex words
front matters i love me a good old timey title page. perhaps this is because old timey title pages bring together three of the nineteen pillars that the ragbag is based upon: typography & design, esoteric knowledge, literature, and huffing glue. the foxy specimen above is from the english translation* of the manual of classical erotology (1884). revel in: the latin AND scholarly euphemisms for what basically means “a book about the greeks and romans boning eachother.” notice that: the book’s author, (scholar and philosopher) frederick charles forberg abbreviates BOTH his fore and middle names into four-letter chunks. and finally, savor: the fact that this book is only 1 of 100 private copies printed solely for the amusement of a pleasuremongering viscount (with a masters degree) and his rakish bros. *please note that this title page is from the literal english translation and should NOT BE CONFUSED WITH the non-literal, liberally poetic, australian, ebonics, or l33t english versions.

front matters
i love me a good old timey title page. perhaps this is because old timey title pages bring together three of the nineteen pillars that the ragbag is based upon: typography & design, esoteric knowledge, literature, and huffing glue. the foxy specimen above is from the english translation* of the manual of classical erotology (1884).

  • revel in: the latin AND scholarly euphemisms for what basically means “a book about the greeks and romans boning eachother.”
  • notice that: the book’s author, (scholar and philosopher) frederick charles forberg abbreviates BOTH his fore and middle names into four-letter chunks.
  • and finally, savor: the fact that this book is only 1 of 100 private copies printed solely for the amusement of a pleasuremongering viscount (with a masters degree) and his rakish bros.

*please note that this title page is from the literal english translation and should NOT BE CONFUSED WITH the non-literal, liberally poetic, australian, ebonics, or l33t english versions.
July 22, 2009
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sex esoterica ancient 1800s typography literature literary device
hyperbole is an understatment -or- what will metacritique say about this? perhaps in your sixth grade production of all aboard the gastrointestinal tract, you earned high praise and many kudos in your school’s newspaper for your absorbing portrayal of a wincing ileocecal valve. but was that review as bombastic or as tumid as the following one (dated may 30, 1784) from an irish newspaper which describes a performance by sarah siddons (the most popular tragedienne of the 1700s): On Saturday, Mrs. Siddons, about whom all the world had been talking, exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for the first time, at Smock-Alley Theatre, in the bewitching, melting, and all-tearful character of ” Isabella.”She was nature itself! She was the most exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, primrose, tuberose, sweet-brier, furze-blossom, gilliflower, wallflower, cauliflower, auricula, and rosemary ! In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus. Where expectation was raised so high, it was thought she would be injured by her appearance; but it was the audience who were injured : several fainted before the curtain drew up! When she came to the scene of parting with her wedding-ring, ah ! what a sight was there ! the very fiddlers in the orchestra, albeit unused to the melting mood, blubbered like hungry children crying for their bread and butter; and when the bell rang for music between the acts, the tears ran from the bassoon-player’s eyes in such plentiful showers that they choked the finger-stops, and, making a spout of the instrument, poured in such torrents on the first fiddler’s book, that, not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of the band actually played in one flat. But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audience, and the noise of corks drawn from the smelling-bottles, prevented the mistake between flats and sharps being discovered. One hundred and nine ladies fainted, forty-six went into fits, and ninety-five had strong hysterics ! The world will scarcely credit the truth when they are told that fourteen children, five old women, one hundred tailors, and six common-councilmen were actually drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes to increase the briny pond in the pit; the water was three feet deep; and the people were obliged to stand upon the benches, and were in that position up to their ankles in tears! An act of Parliament against her playing any more will certainly pass. there comes a point in hyperbole, just as there comes a point in a hyperbola, when things start reversing themselves and your well-intended praise quickly plunges towards unrelenting contempt.

hyperbole is an understatment -or- what will metacritique say about this?

perhaps in your sixth grade production of all aboard the gastrointestinal tract, you earned high praise and many kudos in your school’s newspaper for your absorbing portrayal of a wincing ileocecal valve. but was that review as bombastic or as tumid as the following one (dated may 30, 1784) from an irish newspaper which describes a performance by sarah siddons (the most popular tragedienne of the 1700s):

On Saturday, Mrs. Siddons, about whom all the world had been talking, exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for the first time, at Smock-Alley Theatre, in the bewitching, melting, and all-tearful character of ” Isabella.”

She was nature itself! She was the most exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, primrose, tuberose, sweet-brier, furze-blossom, gilliflower, wallflower, cauliflower, auricula, and rosemary ! In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus. Where expectation was raised so high, it was thought she would be injured by her appearance; but it was the audience who were injured : several fainted before the curtain drew up! When she came to the scene of parting with her wedding-ring, ah ! what a sight was there ! the very fiddlers in the orchestra, albeit unused to the melting mood, blubbered like hungry children crying for their bread and butter; and when the bell rang for music between the acts, the tears ran from the bassoon-player’s eyes in such plentiful showers that they choked the finger-stops, and, making a spout of the instrument, poured in such torrents on the first fiddler’s book, that, not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of the band actually played in one flat. But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audience, and the noise of corks drawn from the smelling-bottles, prevented the mistake between flats and sharps being discovered.
One hundred and nine ladies fainted, forty-six went into fits, and ninety-five had strong hysterics ! The world will scarcely credit the truth when they are told that fourteen children, five old women, one hundred tailors, and six common-councilmen were actually drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes to increase the briny pond in the pit; the water was three feet deep; and the people were obliged to stand upon the benches, and were in that position up to their ankles in tears! An act of Parliament against her playing any more will certainly pass.

there comes a point in hyperbole, just as there comes a point in a hyperbola, when things start reversing themselves and your well-intended praise quickly plunges towards unrelenting contempt.

July 8, 2009
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1700s literary device theatre
opposite day mike from the internet has sent me the above sentence (to which i added a calming grey-pink gradient and then typeset it in rustika). it is part grammar lesson, part logic riddle, and part buddhist kōan. mike writes: I think the sentence should be read front to end as normal, and the resulting instruction would be nonsensical, like if somebody said to “Stop at green traffic lights, go at red traffic lights.” since i am a reader (and unabashed abuser) of parentheses (and nested parentheses (like this one)) i default to reading parentheses. therefore, i would read this sentence as “do not read words inside of parentheses” and then, (providing i always did what imperative verbs told me) i would disregard all future parentheses. supposing i was then to read the sentence over again, i would trip the gate in the opposite direction (do read words inside of parentheses) and get stuck in an infinite loop. if it weren’t for that soothing grey-pink gradient, i would soon luze my marbles (marbles is a metaphor for sanity). finally, mike mentions that i may refer to him as mike but that i don’t need to. therefore, i will refer to him as kilroy. so readers, how do you interpret kilroy’s sentence?

opposite day

mike from the internet has sent me the above sentence (to which i added a calming grey-pink gradient and then typeset it in rustika). it is part grammar lesson, part logic riddle, and part buddhist kōan. mike writes:

I think the sentence should be read front to end as normal, and the resulting instruction would be nonsensical, like if somebody said to “Stop at green traffic lights, go at red traffic lights.”

since i am a reader (and unabashed abuser) of parentheses (and nested parentheses (like this one)) i default to reading parentheses. therefore, i would read this sentence as “do not read words inside of parentheses” and then, (providing i always did what imperative verbs told me) i would disregard all future parentheses. supposing i was then to read the sentence over again, i would trip the gate in the opposite direction (do read words inside of parentheses) and get stuck in an infinite loop. if it weren’t for that soothing grey-pink gradient, i would soon luze my marbles (marbles is a metaphor for sanity).

finally, mike mentions that i may refer to him as mike but that i don’t need to. therefore, i will refer to him as kilroy. so readers, how do you interpret kilroy’s sentence?

July 2, 2009
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literary device puzzles show and tell day

explicit subtext

i’m in a very public location now and there are scads of looker-ons gaping at my laptop screen. this is giving me a kind of blogging paruresis so i figure that now is as good a time as any to establish a code for all future posts so i can say things without actually having to say them (and thus keep the gaping looker-ons in the dark).

  • if the amount of e’s in a post is a prime number greater than 101: that means that i am blogging under duress and whatever i write IS NEVER to be trusted.
    • i will use the keyword, borborygmi, if the nature of the duress is the threat of physical harm.
    • i will use the keyword, pope calixtus iii, if the nature of the duress is blackmail and most likely involves someone threatening to release an incriminating picture of me and a she-wolf named marla.
    • if the amount of e’s is a prime number greater than 101 plus or minus 1, that means i am being a filthy attention whore.
  • if i ever refer to a she-wolf named marla, i am REALLY talking about my bitching pontiac (who is a baronessa named alessandra).
  • should any of my posts ever contain a spelling or grammar error, that is a secret signal to you that i am getting dirty with a bottle of rye whisky.
  • if i ever grumble that the citrus splash flavour of scope® mouthwash has been discontinued, that means i have just done something raunchy and depraved and am feeling very shameful.
June 24, 2009
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alessandra literary device math house style

some more f-words

previously, i presented some choice f-words from a naughty dictionary. i think it only fair that i feng shui the durtyness of those words with some far cleaner f-words from another dictionary. from a handlist of rhetorical terms (1991)° [paraphrased]:

  • far fet: a figure of speech where the present effect is attributed to a remote cause: “the ship is sinking, damn the forest where the mast grew.” (also metalepsis)
  • fleering frumpe: mockery of an opponent accompanied by a gesture. (also mycterismus)
  • flitting figure: passing over an issue quickly. (also metastasis)
  • forrein speech: mispronunciation through ignorance or a wretched accent to fit the meter or rhyme. (also barbarismus)
  • foule speech: lewd allusion or double entendre (also cacemphaton)
  • frequentatio: word heaps; when one tries to win an argument by using a multitude of unnecessary words. (also congeries)

looking over this list is like reading a harry potter grimoire°.

April 28, 2009
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words literary device lists f-words
“soup that eats like a meal” i was going to write a long (and rather pedantic) post about how campbell’s chunky soup is ruining not only my appetite for stew but also the english language (ie. one of the qualities of soup IS NOT its ability to eat (nor is this a quality that a meal possesses)). this language log article however has far out-pedanticked me and it’s also a major buzkill because it defends the usage. it turns out that the slogan is not only a brilliant use of anthimeria but also a rare english instance of mediopassive voice (and/or middle construction). whatever. here are some other examples: the meat cuts easily enron’s ethics code reads like fiction “faken” cooks like real bacon the auditorium seats 100 people UPDATE: a funny take on the slogan from the san francisco chronicle.

“soup that eats like a meal”

i was going to write a long (and rather pedantic) post about how campbell’s chunky soup is ruining not only my appetite for stew but also the english language (ie. one of the qualities of soup IS NOT its ability to eat (nor is this a quality that a meal possesses)).

this language log article however has far out-pedanticked me and it’s also a major buzkill because it defends the usage. it turns out that the slogan is not only a brilliant use of anthimeria but also a rare english instance of mediopassive voice (and/or middle construction). whatever. here are some other examples:

  • the meat cuts easily
  • enron’s ethics code reads like fiction
  • “faken” cooks like real bacon
  • the auditorium seats 100 people

UPDATE: a funny take on the slogan from the san francisco chronicle.

March 2, 2009
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tags
language literary device food

ambiguities of we

A less obvious, though equally ambiguous blind spot in English is the first person plural pronoun we.

Suppose while walking your adorable Bichon Frisé Genevieve down the street one day, you bump into your friends Senator and Mrs. Fairbanks and their companion, a handsome mustachioed hunk with pecs the size of manhole covers. After exchanging pleasantries, the mustachioed he-man steps toward you and—as goosebumps begin to bubble up from under your supple flesh—declares that, “We are going to the nickelodeon tonight to screen the latest Miles Brothers film entitled, Female Wrestlers.” How do you respond?

Has this gorgeous man just insisted that you and he take in a movie together or was he somewhat rudely flaunting the fact that he and the Fairbankses had big plans for the Miles brothers premiere? Even still, he could have been declaring that you, he and the Fairbankses were all going to the movies. So your options: a hot date with your dream man, another night at home alone while the Fairbankses enjoy your dream man’s company, or an evening with your dream man chaperoned by the Fairbankses (who can be regrettably “wholesome”) all hinge upon your interpretation of a teency pronoun. Such is the ambiguity of we.

Incidentally, the best way to handle this situation is to use the ambiguity to your advantage by replying something to the extent of, “The films of the Miles Brothers are not much to my taste. I think instead that we’ll spend the evening cuddling on a bearskin rug in front of my fireplace. Isn’t that right Genevieve?” Then, look down at your adorable Bichon Frisé and give the biggest coquettish wink that you can muster.

The, Nora Ann Gray (1972)

wikipedia says.

February 2, 2009
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language literary device beards

question

could one ask an architect if he anticipates a complete erection once he completes erection—or would that be puerile?

January 28, 2009
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literary device words bomb

semantics

this just in:

Four of the constituent states of the United States officially designate themselves Commonwealths [rather than as states]. This designation, which has no constitutional impact, emphasizes that they have a “government based on the common consent of the people” as opposed to one legitimized through their earlier Royal Colony status that was derived from the King of Great Britain.

the 4 commonwealths of the united states are: pennsylvania, massachusetts, virginia (it’s for lovers) and kentucky.

January 21, 2009
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trivia literary device
one of the things that i do is collect bookmarks. this is one of my faves. note: faves is short for favourties. also note: favourites is british for favorites.

one of the things that i do is collect bookmarks. this is one of my faves.

note: faves is short for favourties. also note: favourites is british for favorites.

January 17, 2009
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animals literary device literature things to look at libraries