the end of an era (the 1300’s)

friends, i knew this day would eventually come and though i have been preparing for it mentally these last 5 weeks, nothing could brace me for the anguish i felt upon awakening this morning knowing that the archaic and provincial f-words series would soon meet its bitter end. i briefly considered word-blogging archaic e-words, but that seemed kinda arbitrary (plus: words that begin with e are lame).

[part the final: FOX-IN-THE-HOLE to FYLLOK]

• FOX-IN-THE-HOLE. A type of game where boys hopped on one leg and beat one another with or pieces of leather tied at the end of strings
• FOXY. Said of beer which has not fermented properly
• FRAME-PERSON. A visitor whom it is thought requisite to receive ceremoniously
• FRAM-WARD. In an opposite direction
• FRANCH. To scrunch with the teeth
• FRAZE. Half a quarter of a sheet of paper
• FREAMING. Said of the noise a boar makes in rutting time
• FREE-MARTIN. If a cow has twin calves of different sexes, the female is termed a free martin, and is said never to breed
• FRENCHMAN. Any man of any country that cannot speak English
• FRESCADES. Cool refreshments
• FRIMICATE. To affect delicacy; to give one’s self airs about trifles
• FRIPPERY. An old clothes shop
• FRODMORTELL. A free pardon for murder or manslaughter
• FROSLING. Any thing as a plant or animal nipped or injured by frost
• FRUITESTERE. A female seller of fruit
• FUCKWIND. A species of hawk
• FUDDLE. To intoxicate fish
• FUDGEL. An awkward child
• FUGLEMAN. A person who directs the cheering of a crowd or mob
• FULLAMS. False dice. There are high fullams and low fullams to denote loaded on the high or low number
• FULLOCK. To jerk the hand unlawfully
• FURCHURE. The place where the thighs part
• FYLLOK. A wanton girl

now, if you will allow me a moment to vent my despair, i will excuse myself to a public place and fullock like a chronic masturbator on a benzedrine bender.

for bestiary: a caladrius (a bird that can predict if a sick person is about to die)

according to legend, if the caladrius looks into the face of a sick man, he will make a full recovery. if the caladrius looks away, he will die soon thereafter (the caladrius is like punxsutawney phil in this regard but with higher stakes).

the caladrius also possesses the ability to absorb the sickness and cast it into the sun (using the same technique that superman does with nuclear warheads in superman iv: the quest for peace).

who woulda thought that when claude “footman’s mawnd” garamond died in an exotic pet store 1561 that his eponymous typeface would be revived three-hundred years subsequent by every major type haus in existence and would be used for everything from typesetting the american edition of harry potter books to representing apple in all branding and marketing materials in the 1984 launch of the macintosh?

some of these pesky foundries however, took certain “liberties” when reviving claude’s original letterforms. some even based their fonts not on garamond but on his hapless successor, jean jannon. it is therefore little shock that this highly popular font has a multitude of variations each with subtle nuances. using your aquiline font eyes, can you spot:

garmond 3, garamond classico, stempel garamond, garamond premier pro, adobe garamond, itc garamond, simoncini garamond, and sabon (a garamond not named garamond)?

answers here.

previous quizes: know your odyssey translation and know your dvořák.

for bestiary: the fastitocalon (a turtle-whale the size of a small island).

a 4th century description in the physiologus explains this beguiling leviathan like this:

“There is a monster in the sea which in Greek is called aspidochelone, in Latin “asp-turtle”; it is a great whale, that has what appear to be beaches on its hide, like those from the sea-shore. This creature raises its back above the waves of the sea, so that sailors believe that it is just an island, so that when they see it, it appears to them to be a sandy beach such as is common along the sea-shore. Believing it to be an island, they beach their ship alongside it, and disembarking, they plant stakes and tie up the ships. Then, in order to cook a meal after this work, they make fires on the sand as if on land. But when the monster feels the heat of these fires, it immediately submerges into the water, and pulls the ship into the depths of the sea.

unrelated: is not the colour palette used by this illumination drop-dead delightful? i am going to kuler this so hard, so extra hard.

image credit: from ms. ludwig xv 3, by an unknown franco-flemish illuminator (13th century).

a very crappy monster

perhaps there is no monster more foul than the bonnacon which was described by pliny as a beast with a head like a bull and mane of a horse. he goes on to say how when the bonnacon is pursued, it expels its dung which can eject as far as three furlongs (over a half kilometer), and scorches anything it touches. (pliny does not mention anything about the bonnacon’s knackish grin as seen in the above illustration.)

the picture above is from the bestiary of anne walsh (1633). you can find another (highly comical) depiciton of the monster in the aberdeen bestiary which dates to the 1500’s.

UPDATE: there is also this (ultra-modern) version by leif goldberg. thank you craig!

the great bowel shift

as i have not officially called off show and tell day, i am still receiving the odd submission. and thus i have recently received a hot lead on the great vowel shift from an internet celebrity of such magnitude that i’m not even going to say his name, nor am going to link to a picture of him in camo pants holding a dead snake.

anywho, while i have always been captivated with the great vowel shift and the mystery behind it (which is referenced in the dinosaur comic above), my favourite part has always been the EXCEPTIONS and the eventual spelling fallout that would soon take place. wikipedia elaborates:

Not all words underwent certain phases of the Great Vowel Shift. ea in particular did not take the step to [iː] in several words, such as great, break, steak, swear and bear. Other examples are father, which failed to become [ɛː] / ea, and broad, which failed to become [oː].

Shortening of long vowels at various stages produced further complications. ea is again a good example, shortening commonly before coronal consonants such as d and th, thus: dead, head, threat, wealth etc. (This is known as the bred-bread merger.) oo was shortened from [uː] to [ʊ] in many cases before k, d and less commonly t, thus book, foot, good etc. Some cases occurred before the change of [ʊ] to [ʌ]: blood, flood. Similar, yet older shortening occurred for some instances of ou: country, could.

if the history of the english language is your bag (it is the bag of the ragbag), you might enjoy the following (raynor recommended) books. they are written for the general public and are a real gas.

• the mother tongue by bill bryson (1990).
• the adventure of english: the biography of a language by melvyn bragg (2006).

if you want to skip the foreplay and go right to the authority, then look no further than a history of the english language (5th edition) by albert c. baugh & thomas cable (1951).

just another day at the office for raynor ganan

source: a bibliomaniac at his desk, a woodcut from the book, the ship of fools, by sebastian brant (1497).

note: the accompanying poem is worth your time (it’s a satire that, half a millennium later, still holds).

illumination

what were you doing in the 9th century when the chinese were rebelling against their emperor and his skanky concubine, charlemagne was subduing the lombards (again!), those rascally persians were penning one thousand and one nights, and the empress of the byzantines (irene sarantapechaina) was exiled to the island of lesbos where she spent the remainder of her days spinning yarn?

maybe you were cowering in the corner somewhere as viking hooligans pillaged your village. perhaps your final thought as a raider’s blade neared your quivering forehead is how awesome it would be to have illuminated badass manuscripts with florid majuscules (like the 9th century letters here presented). perhaps your final thought was the discovery of another non-gerund -ing noun in viking.

we shall never know for certain. but what we do know is that the project gutenberg copy of the book of ornamental alphabets, ancient and mediæval (1914). is well worth the browse.

here are some particularly stunning specimens.

la vie de gargantua et de pantagruel

[FULL DISCLAIMER: i lost my virginity to the life of gargantua and of pantagruel by françois rabelais (as translated by thomas urquhart) and regret nothing.] here are some of the fictional books that are referenced in this masterwork. also, let us not forget that THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN IN 1532 »

• Abbots’ Donkey-Size Pricks
• Advanced Asslicking, for Graduate Students
• And Cheese, Too
• Antipericatamentanaparbeugedamphibricationes, or Discussions on All Manner of Subjects by Shit Monks
• Fairy Tales of the Law
• Folk Dances for Heretics
• Forcible Removal in Matters Requiring a Conscience
• Fun With Dice
• Heroes’ Elephant Balls
• How a Vision of Saint Gertrude Appeared to a Nun, at Poissy, When She Went into Labor
• How Priests Say No
• How to Keep It Up Till You’re Ninety
• How to Make a Nobleman Shut Up
• How Virgins Shit
• Judges’ Bulging Bellies
• Lawyers’ Complaints about the Abolition of Bribes
• On the Clownishness of Country Priests
• Perpetual Almanac for Those Afflicted with Gout or the Pox
• Poetasters’ Bellybuttons
• Rear-Flapping Trousers for Shitheads
• Worm Powder for the Poor

each and every one of these faux titles would make for a great blog name.

also: the accompanying absurdist woodcut was done in 1565 most likely by françois desprez. more can be found at the 5 star (on a 4 star scale) bibliodyssey site.

of love and bacon

few are the anecdotes of bacon and of love in which the love described is NOT a love OF bacon. the story of the dunmow flitch is one such anecdote. from the dunmow town website:

In 1104, Lord Reginald Fitzwalter and his wife dressed themselves as humble folk and begged blessing of the Prior a year and a day after their marriage. The Prior, impressed by their devotion bestowed upon them a Flitch of Bacon. Upon revealing his true identity, Fitzwalter gave his land to the Priory on the condition a Flitch should be awarded to any couple who could claim they were similarly devoted. Chaucer alludes to the Dunmow Flitch Trials in ‘The Wife of Bath’s Tale’.

The modern Trial takes the form of a court presided over by a Judge, with Counsel representing the claimants, and opposing Counsel representing the donors of the Flitch of Bacon, a Jury of six maidens and six bachelors, and an Usher to maintain order.

Couples married for at least a year and a day come from far and wide to try and claim the Flitch. Successful couples are carried shoulder high by bearers (humble folk) in the ancient Flitch Chair to the Market Place. Unsuccessful couples have to walk behind the chair to the Market Place, consoled with a prize of gammon [a less desirable cut of bacon (but bacon nonetheless)].