overheard at the upper crust (a pizza franchise)

“…i’d rather have sex with a whac-a-mole machine.”

is this a nascent genre?

bonus: though a fellah said it, the phrase could work just as well for the dames.

the panel game

i was called a smart alec on two separate occasions today and thus went immediately to wikipædia to see if the alec in question was of the baldwin or guinness variety. it turns out that it was neither and i was instead treated to this (possibly-apocryphal-but-who-really-cares) vignette of the colourful person behind the name »

According to Gerald Leonard Cohen, the phrase “smart alec” arose from the exploits of Alec Hoag. A celebrated pimp, thief, and confidence man operating in New York City in the 1840s, Hoag, along with his wife Melinda and an accomplice known as “French Jack”, operated a con called the “panel game”, a method by which prostitutes and their pimps robbed customers.

In the panel game, “Melinda would make her victim lay his clothes, as he took them off, upon a chair at the head of the bed near the secret panel, and then take him to her arms and closely draw the curtains of the bed. As soon as everything was right and the dupe not likely to heed outside noises, the traitress would give a cough, and the faithful Aleck (sic) would slily (sic) enter, rifle the pockets of every farthing or valuable thing, and finally disappear as mysteriously as he entered.” The victim was then persuaded to leave in a hurry through a window by Alec banging on the door, pretending to be an aggrieved husband who had suddenly returned from a trip away.

Professor Cohen suggests that Alex Hoag was given the sobriquet of “smart Alec” by the police for being a resourceful thief who outsmarted himself by trying to avoid paying graft.

how to get your girlfriend to be on board with you going to a strip club in 1 easy step

1. refer to the stripper as an ecdysiast, just as the ancient greeks might have. thus:

YOUR GIRLFRIEND: where have you been all night smelling like musk and dressed in those umbro® shorts?

YOU: seeing a professional ecdysiast.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND: i see, now let me do my best to relieve your epididymal hypertension.

previously.

deuteronomy 23:1

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

sorry lance armstrong and tom green, no matter how many tours de france that you won or freddy got fingered movies that you starred in, moses sez “no heaven for you!”

other (more graphic/less poetic) translations here.

the international committee on sexological nomenclature

yesterday, i relayed a scintillating tidbit to you about how i became a hapless voyeur of some freaky-deeky raccoon sex. because of this i got several emails (brimming with the most puerile and base puns that one could imagine). but then i received this treasure (the capital letters are not mine):

Dear Raynor,

[blah blah blah]… as you are a self-proclaimed authority on animals, nomenclature, and sex, I was wondering if you could tell me if there are separate terms for the male and female sex acts (ie. the name for what the male does to the female and the name for what the female does to the male).

From,
[Anonymous Pervert #3]

to which i shall publicly reply:

dear anonymous pervert #3 (as well as numbers 1 and 2),

there’s actually much debate about this but a johns hopkins doctor has proposed the terms quim and swive. he writes:

In neither the standard English vocabulary of literature and science, nor the vernacular vocabulary of uncensored speech, are there terms by which to distinguish what the woman does to the man, in the procreative act, from what the man does to the woman. Terminologically, each is obliged to do the same thing to the other, whether it be poetically making love, politely copulating, metaphorically balling or screwing, colloquially fucking, or evasively getting some. None of this terminology is, however, truly androgynous. It all carries, in some degree, the implication that the male is the active partner who does something to the inactive, receptive female. He takes, and she gives—or at least passively acquiesces.

In the terminology of the barnyard and animal breeding, the same implication of the male as the active agent also applies. Terminologically, the bull services the cow, not the other way around. A detailed inventory of animal mating behavior, however, reveals a high degree of reciprocity. Thus, whereas the male mounts the female, it is equally true that she crouches or lordoses and presents to the male. In many species, moreover, it is the female that invites the male.

Quim’s …usage as a vernacular term for the female pudenda can be traced from the 17th to the 20th century, where it has survived in vernacular verse and humor. In its standard usage as a verb, it would mean, as here proposed, to take the penis into the vagina and perform grasping, sliding, and rotating movements on it of varying rhythm, speed and intensity. As a noun, a quim would be the name of the aforesaid practice.

Swive, meaning to copulate with a woman… was in standard English usage as far back as the 14th century. By the early 17th century, its status had changed to that of a vulgarism. Since the early 19th century, it has survived as a literary archaism, in some dialects, and occasionally in vernacular verse and humor. In its standard usage as a verb it would mean, as here proposed, to put the penis into the vagina and perform sliding movements of varying depth, direction, rhythm, speed, and intensity.

the author notes that these terms are not official and should be ” endorsed by an international committee on sexological nomenclature.” should such a preposterous committee actually exist, consider this my nomination to it.

from: the journal of sex research vol. 18, No. 2 (1982).

just before midnight on august 19th

i was able to work the word, ostrobogulous into a sentence. orson and i were exiting a local pub when we heard a clang from the alley. the source of the noise, we soon found, was two raccoons on top of a dumpster® brand trash receptacle boning eachother. we stared at the raccoons (our jaws in slack formation) for ten seconds or so before the dominant raccoon resumed his awkward arrhythmic thrusting (the freaky exhibitionist) and orson and i double-timed it back the pub where (over shots of aguardiente) i described what we witnessed to a third party as an “ostrobogulous encounter of the first degree.”

anyway, richardbronsky (from the comments) noted that ostrobogulous describes itself. such a word is called an autological word. here is a list of them.

from the diary of william byrd

July 30, 1710

In the afternoon my wife and I had a little quarrel which I reconciled with a flourish… It is to be observed that the flourish was performed on the billiard table.

sapless like a withered flower

wiener problems are embarrassing to write about but usually make for a very entertaining read. such is the case with john wilmot’s “the imperfect enjoyment” which tackles the heavy-hitting subject of premature ejaculation (or for discretion when talking about it with your doctor: pee period ee period).

proceed with caution: the following excerpt is enn-ess-eff-double-you in the way that only bawdy restoration poetry can be (it contains a very vulgar word that rhymes with cunt):

But I, the most forlorn, lost man alive,
To show my wished obedience vainly strive:
I sigh, alas! and kiss, but cannot swive.
Eager desires confound my first intent,
Succeeding shame does more success prevent,
And rage at last confirms me impotent.
Ev’n her fair hand, which might bid heat return
To frozen age, and make cold hermits burn,
Applied to my dead cinder, warms no more
Than fire to ashes could past flames restore.
Trembling, confused, despairing, limber, dry,
A wishing, weak, unmoving lump I lie.
This dart of love, whose piercing point, oft tried,
With virgin blood ten thousand maids have dyed;
Which nature still directed with such art
That it through every cunt reached every heart —
Stiffly resolved, ‘twould carelessly invade
Woman or man, nor aught its fury stayed:
Where’er it pierced, a cunt it found or made —
Now languid lies in this unhappy hour,
Shrunk up and sapless like a withered flower.

to all aspiring porn bloggers:

• “Lusty” means “brimming with vigor and good health” or “enthusiastic.” Don’t confuse it with “lustful,” which means “filled with sexual desire.”
• “Sensual” usually relates to physical desires and experiences, and often means “sexy.” “Sensuous” is more often used for esthetic pleasures, like “sensuous music.”
• Crevices are by definition tiny. A huge crack in a glacier is given the French spelling: crevasse.

some grose f-words

i suppose that it was inevitable that i would eventually turn to cap’n grose’s dictionary of the vulgar tongue for some ribald f-words. i first came across this lexicon of “buckish slang, university wit, and pickpocket eloquence” back in the seventh grade when i found it on the top shelf (read: most private) of my uncle’s bookcase. needless to say, i spent the duration of my stay perfecting my footman’s mawnd, practising my figure dancing (are we human or are we figure dancer?) and flashing the hash when my fubsey aunt served me a field lane duck lasagna.

part one: facer to flash the hash

• facer: a glass filled so full as to leave no room for the lip.
• fagger: A little boy put in at a window to rob the house.
• fakement: A counterfeit signature. A forgery.
• fam lay: Going into a goldsmith’s shop, under pretence of buying a wedding ring, and palming one or two, by daubing the hand with some viscous matter.
• fartleberries: Excrement hanging about the anus.
• field lane duck: A baked sheep’s head.
• figure dancer: One who alters figures on bank notes, converting tens to hundreds.
• fire priggers: Villains who rob at fires under pretence of assisting in removing the goods.
• to flash the hash: To vomit.

part two: footman’s mawnd to fussock

• footman’s mawnd: An artificial sore made with unslaked lime, soap, and the rust of old iron, on the back of a beggar’s hand, as if hurt by the bite or kick of a horse.
• free booters: soldiers who served without pay, for the privilege of plundering the enemy.
• french leave: To take French leave; to go off without taking leave of the company: a saying frequently applied to persons who have run away from their creditors.
• froglander: A Dutchman.
• frosty face: One pitted with the small pox.
• fubsey: Plump. A fubsey wench; a plump, healthy wench.
• fussock: A lazy fat woman. An old fussock; a frowsy old woman.

part three: fusty luggs

• fusty luggs: A beastly, sluttish woman.

some couples do dinner and a movie

from an email that i just received (achtung: the word vagina is used):

But overall, life is great.  I’m on my OB/Gyn rotation right now. [My girlfriend] and I are actually on the rotation together, which is quite comical at times. For our first time together in the operating room, we had to shave a woman’s vagina in preparation for surgery.  Let me tell you - that was the worst date we have ever been on.  Some couples do dinner and a movie - we shave vaginas.  On the bright side however, we did a pretty darn good job.