a fruitful idea

i woke up this morning with an idea for the kind of blog that might score me a fat book deal. i made this image for my new site, it’s called pregnant-chicks-on-tv-pretending-they-isn’t-really-pregnant.com and it could make millions.

more here.

the ratio of horatio

an open letter to people with widescreen televisions who insist on forcing everything they watch into a 16:9 proportion (eg. my parents):

look, raynor ganan is as liberal as they come (i had a caricature of noam chomsky tattooed on a prostitute that i see occasionally)—but just cuz you shelled out the yearly wage of a tajikistani rodeo clown for a television the size of a surfboard does not mean that you should be plasmafying every last pixel on your set. the proportions of the female form are dumpy and out of whack and the ratio of horatio makes him look like a whiskerless gimli. there is nothing wrong with 4:3! indeed it is the same ratio of gin to tonic in the beverage that i am enjoying right now.

sorry for getting so political, but this topic really gets me hot and bothered.

occasionally, i will be coerced into a television binge where i watch many episodes of a series over a short amount of time. one of the games that i like to play with myself during these times is matching unknown actors’ stage names during the titles to the characters that they portray.

the game is more than just random matching around gender or ethnicity since many actors style their names based upon how they want to brand themselves—a decision which also involves which types of characters that they want to portray. additionally there is usually a correlation between screen time and the order in which the actor is billed.

all this being said, i was only able to correctly match 3 of the 13 characters in the show, battlestar galactica (and i already knew edward james olmos ahead of time). furthermore, i wasn’t even 1000‰ correct on matching genders. jamie bamber is a dood? i thought she was the brassy kara thrace. go figure. anyway, this game is playable with other shows besides battlestar galactica and works especially well with soap operas.

SPOILER ALERT: clone wars was abominable. the only redeeming feature is that george lucas was somehow able to get truman capote to do the voice for jabba the hutt’s super-nasty uncle.

an analysis of lonely island’s jizz in my pants

when i first saw the jizz in my pants video, i laughed so hard that i couldn’t stop squirting milk from my nose (and i wasn’t even drinking milk). thinking about it, i realised that its humor was derived from more than the utter baseness of it all—it was the crescendoing absurdity of the things that make the singers spontaneously orgasm and the well-timed way in which these items are presented.

this chart shows that not only are the items more and more absurd as time goes on, but also that the pacing is asymptotically frenetic. the only exception is that an alarm clock going off is a slightly more ridiculous orgasm agent than a warm breeze on one’s crotch (in my estimation). other than that, this video is definitely a valuable study in comedic timing.